Me, Myself and PDA

Well it’s been a little over a month since my first ever blog and I must say I’m so pleased that so many people have read and enjoyed it – I’m glad my experiences can help others, it makes it all worth while. 🙂

So what’s new for me? Well I’m currently sat in my onesie (purple with lilac spots) trying desperately to start my book and I’m getting nowhere fast. I seem to have a major case of writer’s block and I’m not impressed. I know what I want to write but I just can’t seem to get going. It’s slowly driving me insane! Surely writing a book shouldn’t be this difficult…..Perhaps it’s the combination of PDA and writing that’s causing the issue. I have all these thoughts and ideas running around my brain and there’s no way of me getting them to stop/getting them down on paper! I looked in the mirror earlier and I’m convinced I saw a few more grey hairs! Lol. Should writing a book age you?!! I’m fine with doing this whole blog thing. This isn’t a problem whatsoever. I think because it’s short and sweet it’s less of a demand and therefore less of an issue for me but the book is a completely different ball game. It’s not that I don’t want to write the book – in fact it’s the complete opposite, I want nothing more and that’s what’s the most frustrating! In fact the book is about the only thing I think about at the moment. I’m beginning to feel slightly cornered by it if I’m honest – I’m extremely stubborn and I know that I will push myself until breaking point, that can either work for the better and force me to make a start or it won’t and that won’t be pretty. I’m hoping that I start it long before I reach that point. I want to do it but can’t. I’ve been using every excuse under the sun, including “I can’t start it yet cos I need to write my blog first!” Lol. 🙂

I’ve often been accused of putting the cart before the horse and it’s so true! I’ve contacted a publishers to ask them if they would consider publishing my book before I had even started! Lol. Who on earth does that?!! And who, may I ask, uses as many idioms and metaphors as I do! Lol.

Manic: that’s the word for how I’m feeling right now. I can’t concentrate on anything for longer than 30 seconds unless it’s a well known candy-themed game that is. Lol 😉 I know a lot of you will probably read this and will wonder what I’m on or what is the problem but that’s just it, there isn’t a problem if you think about it – this is just how my life is. This is what’s “normal” for me. I flit from one idea to the next, I rarely finish anything I start and that’s supposing that I start it in the first place of course! All of this leads me to have a do-list as long as my arm, with no foreseeable way of ever getting through it so I just “forget” to do what’s been on there the longest and then pretend like it never existed or I pass the buck onto someone else, normally Paul. As I’m sure you can imagine this makes for an interesting life for poor old Paul, who unfortunately ends up having to pick up the baton on the important things, which isn’t really fair on him but there’s nothing I can do about it apart from continually apologising. I try to limit my undertakings to help reduce the “list” and therefore reduce what ends up being Paul’s problem but it’s not easy when I’m so impulsive! Lol. I’ve always been the person who sticks up their hand and then thinks bugger it. This can be a good thing but it can, more often than not, be a negative thing too. I’ve removed myself from all committees for that very reason – at one point I was on 3 or 4 at the same time and it wasn’t working at all.

I guess another issue for me regarding the book is not only the whole PDA demand thing and the fact that I have no idea where to start but I’m also very worried that what I do write won’t be what people want to read. I don’t want to put my heart and soul into this book only to find that I’ve taken it in the wrong direction or that it’s just a pile of crap that is of no help to anyone. Who would want to read the ramblings of me?! I want it to be coherent and structured – two things that don’t come easily, if at all, to me. I think I need a miracle or a bloody good shrink! Lol.

I reckon I’m going to be embarrassed when I read this blog back later but I need to write it. I need people to know that I’m not as “sorted” as I may appear on the surface – in fact how I feel right now is how I’ve been feeling 90% of the day over the last few days. Quietly anxious about being anxious, procrastinating to the extreme, anxious about all the things I haven’t done, that need to be done, that should be done and a hot mess of manic thoughts that come one after the other after the other and that don’t let up. I don’t think in sentences, I think in fragmented bursts of randomness. I feel that my very measured and controlled posts in the support groups don’t really allow people to see the “real me” – I want you all to see that PDA is still very much an “issue” for me at nearly 31. I worry that people might think “oh well she’s sorted” and then be under the misapprehension that this will happen to their child too. Yes it does get easier from the parents’ point of view but perhaps not from the child’s, depending on how self-aware they are I guess. I’ve learnt to embrace my “silly side”, although I do hide it – boy, that’s a contradiction if ever I heard one! Lol. My life is fun and quirky but it can also be a disappointing place. I can choose to either slip into my pit or laugh at PDA. I normally choose the latter but sometimes I need to remember to smile. 🙂 I don’t want you to think that I’m a fake person in the groups – that isn’t the case whatsoever. I do have a serious side but then I also have this side too, I just normally keep a lid on it for other people’s sake more than my own. I tend to overwhelm/give people a headache! Lol. I’ve become quite an expert over the years at presenting the grown-up and boring side of me so it’s really good fun to just let go and write and see what happens! 🙂

So…….is this the right direction for the book? The ramblings of Julia? I welcome any feedback on that, if you dare! Lol. I pity the poor bugger who has to edit it! Lol. Can you imagine?!! :p

Well I will leave you all now with one final idiom/metaphor: don’t judge a book by its cover. Peace x x x

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