I’m literally sat here crying as I write this. I need to purge myself of all these thoughts and feelings. The anxiety is just too much at the moment. I need to share for me and to maybe help others too.

Mental health services SUCK! That’s the short version. The longer version is I’m sick and tired of being messed about with. I feel like an object for them to stare at and prod and poke and question endlessly. They (psychiatrists) question everything and read so much into innocent or badly worded replies! An appointment with them leaves me feeling like I’ve just been interrogated. I leave appointments feeling victimised, bullied, controlled and blamed! How is that even helpful for me?

For those of you that have been following my “shrink journey” of late you’ll know the backstory so I won’t go over it again. If you don’t know then READ THIS. So I’ve been given a new psychiatrist, who for now, I shall call Dr. T. My appointment letter arrived last month (June) and I promptly emailed the receptionist at the hospital to ask Dr. T what her knowledge was of PDA and also to make Dr. T aware of some big triggers for me (suddenly mentioning a change of medication or questioning my diagnoses being the 2 main ones). So this email was sent on 28th June. Today I stupidly decided that today was a good day to call them and ask if they had gotten my email – the reply was a simple yes. 🙄 I then asked why no one had emailed me back (I asked for this in my email) and the receptionist said she didn’t think I needed a reply! 🤬 I feel really stupid now. Why did I call them? Why today? You see Paul is away at the moment so I’m on my own (other than the kitties) – will I ever learn!? Anyway, I asked the receptionist if Dr. T had any experience/knowledge/or whatever in PDA, her reply was a simple “I’m sure she does. All our psychiatrists will have the same training” – f*ck me! I didn’t say that but I did think it! I pointed out to the receptionist that psychiatrists don’t have any specific training in autism, let alone PDA. Her reply was a stunned silence. Funnily enough that’s the same response I had when I first heard that! 😐 She then said that she’d printed my email and put it in Dr. T’s in-tray but she’s not seen yet because she’s on annual leave for the next 2 weeks! She’s due back that DAY BEFORE I see her! 🤬🤬🤬 Can this story get anymore “argh!”. Yep, it can…..I then went into meltdown and began crying and panicking. All I want to know is, is Dr. T another pointless muppet that is going to f*ck with my head! Not too much to ask is it?! Surely not…..

Once I gathered myself I rang the Patient Experience Team, who have been handling all this chaos, and she was just as confused as I was. She basically said all I can is wait and see! Oh that’s SO helpful, thanks! I asked why the CCG had referred me to Dr. T, hoping that this would answer my question about her experience, but sadly it just raised more concerns. The answer was “I think she was selected because of location” – right! I was promised by the CCG that they wouldn’t just send me to anyone and would find me someone who understood! Clearly not happening! 🤬😔 I then, in pure depression, rang my GP. She’s the only person in all this who has some empathy. Okay, she can’t actually do anything like prescribe the medication, but she “gets it”. She doesn’t judge me and she understands PDA. She’s also a human. 👍 The GP said she’d get her receptionist to call Dr. T’s receptionist first thing in the morning and request that Dr. T call her as soon as she returns to discuss me, my email and my needs. The GP did say that all she can do is request this but it’s entirely up to Dr. T if she takes her up on this offer. 🙏 The GP also said that it might be worth postponing my appointment with Dr. T (currently booked for the 6th August) so that she has more time to read my email and make inquiries if she needs to. I’m going to sleep on that idea. I know what she’s saying but I’m also keen to get the f*cking appointment out of the way. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of feeling so anxious about the whole thing. Let’s not forget that this whole mess is only so I can get my methylphenidate! I don’t actually want or need (some will disagree I’m sure!) input from mental health services. I don’t like them. I don’t trust them. They scare me. The power they wield over people scares me. The way the charge in and mess around with a life that was okay. I’m happy with my life the way it is. I don’t want to change and more importantly I don’t think I need to! So far this year I’ve been called lazy, Paul’s been called controlling, I’ve had the integrity of my friendships questioned and I’ve been pushed to breaking point and all for a monthly script! 😔 It really shouldn’t be this hard, should it? Why are people with ASD/ADHD continuously pushed and broken by services that we are FORCED to attend? That’s how it feels to me. I feel forced to see Dr. T (and the others) just to satisfy their rules and egos. I’m close to telling them all to f*ck off once and for all! I’m not joking. Tonight I asked the GP if I were to change meds would she be able to prescribe. The short answer is yes, if it’s non-stimulant and not a “red drug”. Aha! There may be light at the end of the tunnel. It would mean a major upheaval and a possible collapse of everything in my life if it goes wrong but maybe it’s worth trying. Imagine if it worked! I’d be FREE! Ah, wouldn’t that be great! Feels like an impossible dream at the moment. The GP was sceptical because of the severity of my ADHD but it’s a light, albeit a dim one! 💡 I can’t believe I’m actually contemplating trying another medication just so I don’t have to see a shrink again! How crazy is that! Methylphenidate has quite literally saved my life. I would most certainly be in prison now if it wasn’t for it. That’s not me being over dramatic or anything. It’s true. That was where I was headed right before I was diagnosed and medicated. That’s where they want to send me back to. Back to that hell. Back to the me who had no friends, family who didn’t like me, I hated me and wanted to die. Yep, it’s no wonder I’m fighting this with everything I have! I can’t go back to that. I would rather die than be that person again. 😔 I know some of you will read that and think “big deal” or “suck it up”. This shit matters to me. It’s a big deal for. I feel like I’m literally fighting for my life, well quality of life. This stuff is a big deal to me. It matters. My rights matter. I just want to be me in a world that doesn’t hate me and want me to change. I don’t see why that’s such an issue…..

My biggest fear in life, and that’s bigger than spiders and germs, is of being sectioned. I know I’m a LONG way off that and I’m one of the sanest people that know but it’s a fear and a thought that I can’t get out of my head at the moment. It’s just going round and round. Imagine them having that much power over me! Terrifying. I wake up at night worrying about it. Crazy thoughts. Round and round they go. People in prison have more freedom. I’d rather be in prison. My heart bleeds for those in that situation. I can’t imagine anything worse than being held against your will and being “looked after” by people who should be patients themselves. 😔😔😔

Right, I’m going to sign off now and drug myself so I can sleep. Yep, we are still at the “let’s drug myself to sleep” stage. That won’t change anytime soon. It’s been like that now for the 2 years this crap has been going on for. I long for a peaceful nights sleep that’s not interrupted by a voice telling me to kill myself. 🙏 Night everyone and thanks for reading. 💜

P.S – sorry for any typos but my proofreader (Paul) is unavailable at the moment. 👍