Warning – this post contains references to self-harm ⚠️
Well I guess from the ‘warning’ you can guess what the stupid thing is that I’ve done. Yes I’ve self-harmed. First time in like 9 years. I feel awful. Worse now than before I cut. I feel like I’ve left everybody down. I’ve gone backwards. I’ve given in and taken the easy route. If only that last bit were true – it’s far from the easy route. It feels like it at the time though. Just cut and watch the blood flow and I’ll feel okay again and in that moment I do feel better but that soon fades, only to be replaced with more upset. More pain. And now added to that I feel disappointment too. Frustration at myself for doing it. Why? Why did I give in so easily? I didn’t even think twice about it. I just thought cut and did. Just like that. It didn’t even enter my mind that this was in no way a good idea. Not once. I wish it had. It has done every other time I’ve felt tempted over the last 9 years but not today it seems. Today it got the better of me. Today I gave in. Today I made a mistake. What can I do now? The blood has stopped only to be replaced with pain. Emotional pain from what I’ve done and physical pain from the cuts themselves. Like all wounds both will heal in time but they leave scars. Scars to remind me I guess. Look this was then but not now. That time will come I’m sure but not for the moment. For the moment I feel miserable. I feel like I’ve undone all the hard work I’ve put in over 9 years. It’s all been for nothing. Next comes those ‘looks’ from family and friends when they find out what I’ve done. Those disappointed eyes looking at me and wondering if I’ll do it again next time things get too much for me. Staring and wondering. Then there’s the professionals of course. When they find out then wow the judging begins. Then it’s coming from all angles. Feels like a punishment for my crimes. Maybe that’s what I need. The looks of disappointment, the wondering and the judging. Paul will have to hide the razors of course. Temptation needs to be removed for now at least. Until I can trust myself again and until I can be trusted again. I think the most important thing in all of this is I know why I did what I did. To put it bluntly – too much stress and anxiety. Lots of factors have come together of course but the biggest culprit is my PIP tribunal which is taking place on Tuesday 5th Dec. We’ve been waiting for this date for 10 months and now it’s here I wish it wasn’t. I wish it would just go away. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. The pressure for us to ‘win’ is massive. We need that money to live on. I’ve been fortunate that they didn’t stop my money (just heavily reduced it) as I know some have had theirs stopped completely. We are simply disputing the amount. I feel like I’m drowning. It shouldn’t be this hard. I just want enough money to live on. Just basic living, nothing fancy. Today spiralled for me when I posted on Facebook how sad I am that I can not afford a tree or to send Christmas cards. That was the tipping point for me. The realisation that we really are that broke. I know I should be grateful for what I have and that’s why I removed that particular post. There are others far worse off than us and I realise that. Maybe I just needed to post that to remind myself. I also deleted it because I don’t like people seeing the vulnerable side of me. I like them to see the happy me. The masking me. The me that’s always joking. This side is darker and scarier. I don’t like to acknowledge this side. I like to hide this side. To be honest this side isn’t around too often. Normally it’s under control. Out of sight and out of mind. Guess PIP tribunals and the anxiety they cause are just too much. Paul knows what I did now and just asked me how I’m feeling. Less anxious is my answer. More emotionally unstable though. Not sure which demon is worse. I’m hoping that writing this will help me. It might also help you. I keep crying. Then laughing. Then crying again. Wish I could fix on one emotion and stay there. It’s exhausting. Now I’m feeling guilt. And shame. Lots of it. I’m scared that this post will upset people. I really don’t intend it to do anything other than help others to understand and perhaps even stop someone from doing the same. Please don’t judge me – I’m not in the mood. Just read and share this post and help others. Self-harm is such a taboo subject and I don’t think it should be anymore. If I can force myself to share something so personal with the world then we all really should be able to at least talk about it at home with our loved ones. Love and peace 💜