I’VE DONE SOMETHING VERY STUPID……

Posted by juliadaunt on December 3, 2017
Posted in: ALL POSTS, AWARENESS, LIFE IN GENERAL, MY MENTAL HEALTH. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 25 Comments

Warning – this post contains references to self-harm ⚠️

Well I guess from the ‘warning’ you can guess what the stupid thing is that I’ve done. Yes I’ve self-harmed. First time in like 9 years. I feel awful. Worse now than before I cut. I feel like I’ve left everybody down. I’ve gone backwards. I’ve given in and taken the easy route. If only that last bit were true – it’s far from the easy route. It feels like it at the time though. Just cut and watch the blood flow and I’ll feel okay again and in that moment I do feel better but that soon fades, only to be replaced with more upset. More pain. And now added to that I feel disappointment too. Frustration at myself for doing it. Why? Why did I give in so easily? I didn’t even think twice about it. I just thought cut and did. Just like that. It didn’t even enter my mind that this was in no way a good idea. Not once. I wish it had. It has done every other time I’ve felt tempted over the last 9 years but not today it seems. Today it got the better of me. Today I gave in. Today I made a mistake. What can I do now? The blood has stopped only to be replaced with pain. Emotional pain from what I’ve done and physical pain from the cuts themselves. Like all wounds both will heal in time but they leave scars. Scars to remind me I guess. Look this was then but not now. That time will come I’m sure but not for the moment. For the moment I feel miserable. I feel like I’ve undone all the hard work I’ve put in over 9 years. It’s all been for nothing. Next comes those ‘looks’ from family and friends when they find out what I’ve done. Those disappointed eyes looking at me and wondering if I’ll do it again next time things get too much for me. Staring and wondering. Then there’s the professionals of course. When they find out then wow the judging begins. Then it’s coming from all angles. Feels like a punishment for my crimes. Maybe that’s what I need. The looks of disappointment, the wondering and the judging. Paul will have to hide the razors of course. Temptation needs to be removed for now at least. Until I can trust myself again and until I can be trusted again. I think the most important thing in all of this is I know why I did what I did. To put it bluntly – too much stress and anxiety. Lots of factors have come together of course but the biggest culprit is my PIP tribunal which is taking place on Tuesday 5th Dec. We’ve been waiting for this date for 10 months and now it’s here I wish it wasn’t. I wish it would just go away. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. The pressure for us to ‘win’ is massive. We need that money to live on. I’ve been fortunate that they didn’t stop my money (just heavily reduced it) as I know some have had theirs stopped completely. We are simply disputing the amount. I feel like I’m drowning. It shouldn’t be this hard. I just want enough money to live on. Just basic living, nothing fancy. Today spiralled for me when I posted on Facebook how sad I am that I can not afford a tree or to send Christmas cards. That was the tipping point for me. The realisation that we really are that broke. I know I should be grateful for what I have and that’s why I removed that particular post. There are others far worse off than us and I realise that. Maybe I just needed to post that to remind myself. I also deleted it because I don’t like people seeing the vulnerable side of me. I like them to see the happy me. The masking me. The me that’s always joking. This side is darker and scarier. I don’t like to acknowledge this side. I like to hide this side. To be honest this side isn’t around too often. Normally it’s under control. Out of sight and out of mind. Guess PIP tribunals and the anxiety they cause are just too much. Paul knows what I did now and just asked me how I’m feeling. Less anxious is my answer. More emotionally unstable though. Not sure which demon is worse. I’m hoping that writing this will help me. It might also help you. I keep crying. Then laughing. Then crying again. Wish I could fix on one emotion and stay there. It’s exhausting. Now I’m feeling guilt. And shame. Lots of it. I’m scared that this post will upset people. I really don’t intend it to do anything other than help others to understand and perhaps even stop someone from doing the same. Please don’t judge me – I’m not in the mood. Just read and share this post and help others. Self-harm is such a taboo subject and I don’t think it should be anymore. If I can force myself to share something so personal with the world then we all really should be able to at least talk about it at home with our loved ones. Love and peace 💜

25 comments on “I’VE DONE SOMETHING VERY STUPID……”

  1. Well done for sharing with us and thanku for highlighting selfharming with us as my son who has autism and is 15 , has been self harming and it has been so up setting for me , but reading what you have to say about this subject has really helped me understand things from his perspective , I know every person is different , but a big huge thanku xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Julia you are so brave sharing this, and I think you’re right that it’s time to speak out and let other people know. Wish you didn’t feel guilt; the pressure on you is immense. Hoping tomorrow goes your way, fingers crossed for you xx

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  3. Julia, What you have done today, by admitting this and sharing it, is one of the most brave actions a self-harmer can do. NO-ONE will judge or be disappointed, if you see that look in their eyes, they are just trying to hide the love and concern for you that they are really feeling.
    All of us NT’s have days where we want to do something that will change our circumstances, or take the stress away; and our stress is nowhere near the level of stress that you amazing PDAers feel.
    You are immensely strong and are a shining, guiding light to those of us who are trying to lead our own PDA children through the myriad of life.
    You have in no way let us down, you are letting us know how to help our own beautiful and complex children.
    Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers, that you will get through this and be stronger on the other side.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  4. U r a wonderful inspirational women!!! Tht ive had the pleasure to talk 2 for insight into pda…dnt be so hard on urself it’s only a blip u wil get back on track when al these situations resolve themselves…big hugs xx

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  5. Hi Julia. My name is Josie. Thank you so much for your story. You are very brave and I needed to hear your story so that I can help my son who has PDA. We love you. Your friend Josie from San Antonio Texas.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. Be kind to yourself Julia – We all have lapses when things get too much – try to think of what you might say to a friend who was feeling similar to how your felt before you harmed yourself and use that to show yourself some kindness. Hope all goes well this week! x

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. Oh Julia, I really just want to hug you. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Accept it has happened and you were not in your right mind when it did. You suffer enough, you certainly don’t deserve guilt, let it go.
    As a mom of a 17yo girl with undiagnosed pda who self harms I have seen this first hand.
    When she first told one member of my family that she was self harming, that person said if she did it again she would never see them again.. I went mad! She was a highly stressed and anxious 14 year old and being told that stressed her out even more! Needless to say she hasn’t stopped but she knows that I don’t judge her because I know she can’t help it… we find ways to prevent her getting in the state of extreme anxiety where she does it.
    I will be thinking of you and hoping that the appeal is successful for you and I think you are very brave baring your soul like this.. just remember that there are people out there that understand.
    Love and hugs
    XxX

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  8. Sending love and hugs, let go of the guilt and let someone know before doing it next time if you can , you never know they may just be able to help you. Hard I know and sure you know but sometimes helpful to be reminded you can always do better next time even if it’s not this time. Wish I could forward the time for you so you didn’t have to wait for your appeal. It’s the hardest part .Try to keep busy if you can and take care xx💕

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  9. Be kind to yourself Julia. Our demons are always waiting to jump on us when we are most vulnerable – I too mask massively and rarely let people see my vulnerability. I wish you well for your PIP assessment and hope the outcome is in your favour and fair. Remember your self-care x

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  10. We all deal with stress and disappointment in our own way. You are dealing with it, and you should be proud of yourself. Be easy on yourself and know you are doing the best you can, which from my perspective, is pretty dam impressive. The rest of us also learn from you and your willingness to share your life with us, so thank you. Let us know how your tribunal matter goes, and what analyses is used in the decision making process. The more we talk about PDA, the more we all learn and can move supports in the right direction. Also, I want to wish you a happy Christmas – from British Columbia, Canada.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a reply to Josefina Anderson Cancel reply